100 School Short Jokes and Comments

The school environment is indeed a fun place to be. Elementary knowledge for me has been through trial and error. As bad as it may seem, the system has brought forth brilliant minds in society today. Children that were once nuisance at a tender age have become brilliant men and women today. Even those that were like zombies or the mute.

It is a great thing to feel the excitement in the experience once enjoyed. Have fun!

Disclaimer:
This collection is based on fictional personalities and events, and hence does not bear or portray any individual, group of persons, place or thing. If it’s peradventured to be so, it is a miracle. They are collected from online publications without rights of ownerships, tales from anonymous persons and from my personal experiences. No publication right reserved.

100 School Jokes and Comments

Here are a hundred classroom jokes and comments collected.

1. 4 by 4

Teacher: Tina, what is the sum of 2 and 2?
Tina: four!
Teacher: okay. Jackson, what is the product of 2 by 2?
Jackson: four!
Teacher: okay. Tim, what is the sum of 4 and 4?
Tim: Eight!
Teacher: okay. Mike, what is the product of 4 by 4?
Mike: Eight!

2. A brand new bike

Teacher: if you get 20 dollars from 50 people, what would you get!?
Ken: a brand new bike!

3. A fight!

Teacher: if you have five apples on your plate and this boy next to you took two, what would you get?
Mac: a fight!

4. A letter to myself

Teacher: Daniel, what are you writing?
Dan: a letter to myself!
Teacher: well, what are you writing about?
Dan: how should I know? I haven’t received it yet!

5. A million dollars

Teacher: if you have a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Mike: I don’t know, when I do have it, I will definitely know what to do with it!

6. A person who talks

Teacher: Hanna, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Hanna: A teacher

7. About turning around

Teacher: every time I turn around, I catch you doing something wrong. Every time, doing something you are not supposed to be doing. What can be done about that?
Victor: Tell me when you are about to turn around!

8. Abstract noun

Teacher: an abstract noun is something you can think of, but can’t touch. Peter, can you give me an example?
Peter: my daddy’s new car!

9. An island

Teacher: what is an island?
Sam: a piece of land surrounded by water except on one side!
Teacher: on one side?
Sam: yes, on top!

10. Annie and the police officer

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a police officer was interrupted by a little girl.
Annie: (looking up and down at the policeman’s uniform) Are you a police officer?
Policeman: yes (continued writing the report)
Annie: my mother said that if I ever needed help I should ask the police; is that right?
Policeman: yes, that’s right.
Annie: well then, (extended her foot towards the police officer) would you please tie my shoe?

11. Are you clear?

In class, after a long explanation.
Teacher: hay you! Are you clear?!
Annie: no, I’m Annie. Claire is my twin sister in the next class!

12. Article on oil pollution

The teacher gave out assignments to the students on the environment. Stating to write the effects of oil pollution.
A student wrote:
“When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.”

13. At once

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus four?
Class: At once!

14. At the end of the line

Teacher: I told you to stay at the end of the line and you disobeyed me!
Charles: I tried, but someone else is already there!

15. Bacteria

Teacher: Students, draw a picture of bacteria.
(After a while, she starts moving around to check out their drawings)
Kingsley, where are your bacteria?
Kingsley: Here it is Mam!
Teacher: Where? This sheet is blank.
Kingsley: you said that bacteria cannot be seen with our naked eyes!

16. Bark, Johnny

Teacher: Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?
Johnny: I don’t know.
Teacher: Bark, Johnny, bark.
Johnny: Bow, wow, wow!

17. Beans for sentences

Teacher: class, use beans in the composition of simple and clear sentences.
Tina: my father grows beans.
Teacher: that’s correct!
Mike: my mother cooks beans.
Teacher: OK!
John: we are all human beans!

18. Below the sea level

James: I wish to know what my grade in geography is.
Teacher: you drowned!
James: Drown?
Teacher: your grade went below the “c” level.

19. Biting insects

Teacher: how can you prevent a disease caused by biting insects?
Daniel: do not bite any!

20. Blood circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. He was using all means to make the matter clearer.
Teacher: Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.
Class: Yes, sir!
Teacher: Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?
James: It’s because your feet aren’t empty.”

21. Breakable objects

Teacher: class, give examples of breakable objects!
Tina: glass cup!
Teacher: correct!
James: egg!
Teacher: correct!
Akpan: Bible!
Teacher: Bible, how!?
Akpan: my mummy said that we shouldn’t break the ‘Ten Commandments’ in it!

22. Cane killed Abel

Ann failed in a class work and was about to be caned by the teacher.
Ann: please ma, I don’t want to die, the cane will kill me!
Teacher: (smiles) the cane will not kill you, it will teach you to be more dedicated to your books.
Ann: but mum said that it was cane that actually killed Abel!

23. Clear improvement

Teacher: Fred, I am glad to see your handwriting improving.
Fred: thank you, ma!
Teacher: now I can see how bad your spelling is though!

24. Concrete floor

Teacher: how can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Sam: anyhow you can. The concrete floor is very strong!

25. Date of birth

Teacher: What is your date of birth?
Mac: October 18th!
Teacher: what year?
Mac: ma’am, it is every year!

26. Days of the week

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with “t”.
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.

27. Different surnames

Twin brothers were in the same class. The teacher asked everyone in the class to write their father’s name. They wrote different name.
Teacher: why did you write a different surname from that of your twin?
Phil: so you won’t say that we cheated.

28. Dreaming

James: I am dreaming to be rich just like my father.
Akins: is your father rich?
James: no, he is dreaming too.

29. Essay on my dog

Teacher: Daniel, your essay on “my dog” is the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Daniel: no sir, it is the same dog!

30. Family tradition

Teacher: Ram, you talk a lot!
Ram: It’s a family tradition.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Ram: Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, and my father is a teacher.
Teacher: What about your mother?
Ram: She’s a woman!

31. Formula for ice

Teacher: if H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
Chika: H2O cube!

32. Formula for water

Teacher: Daniel, what’s the formula for water?
Daniel: H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.
Teacher: what’s that!? That wasn’t what I thought you!
Daniel: But you said the formula for water was H to O!

33. Frog

Teacher: John, give me an example of animals that live on land in the water. Example is frog!
John: frog!
Teacher: another example!
John: another frog

34. Full form of MATHS

Teacher: can someone give me the full form of MATHS?
John: Mentally Affected Teachers Harassing Students!

35. Future tense

Teacher: I killed a person. Tell me, is this sentence in future tense?
Mike: no!
Teacher: OK, now put it in the future tense.
Mike: In future tense, you will go to jail.

36. Garbage collector

Teacher: sir, has your son decided what he wants to become when he grows up?
Father: yes, he wants to be a garbage collector.
Teacher: that’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career.
Father: well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!

37. George Washington and the axe

Teacher: George Washington did not only chopped down his father cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now Louise, did you know why his father did not punish him?
Louise: because, George still had the axe in his hand!

38. Grasses left to be cleared

Teacher: class solve this. ‘It takes 5 men an hour to clear a price of land. How long will it take 10 men to clear the same piece of land, assuming they all have equal energy?’
Akin: I think there is something wrong with the question.
Teacher: what?
Akin: since the 5 men had already cleared the piece of land, there will be no grasses left for the 10 men to clear!

39. Half an apple

The teacher was trying to explain a sphere and a hemisphere.
Teacher: What looks like half of an apple?
Mika: the other half

40. Half day of school

Teacher: class, we will have only half a day of school this morning!
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: we will have the other half in the afternoon!
Class: uh!

41. Having trouble listening

Teacher: you weren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Michael: no, teacher. I am having trouble listening!

42. Honey

Teacher: Jamie, what produces honey?
Jamie: My mummy!
Teacher: okay… I understand!

43. How do you spell crocodile?

Teacher: Kinsley, how do you spell ‘crocodile’?
Kinsley: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: no, that’s wrong, the English dictionary spells it C-R-O-C-O-D-I-L-E!
Kinsley: but you asked me how I spell it.

44. How fast is your daddy?

Victor: my daddy can drop down his car key from a five-storey building, climb down the stairs to the ground floor and catch it. How fast is your daddy?
Mike: my dad closes from work every day by 4 pm and gets home some minutes after 3 pm!

45. How many dogs

Teacher: if I give you two dogs and I give you additional two dogs, how many dogs will you have altogether?
Victor: 5!
Teacher: how?!
Victor: I already have a dig at home!

46. How many eggs

Teacher: if an egg goes for 30 Naira, how many will you get for 120 Naira?
Johnson: none!
Teacher: none?!
Johnson: yes none, I prefer chicken!

47. How many pens

Teacher: “If I give you two red pens and two blue pens and another two black pens, how many pens have you got?”
Ben: “Seven!”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully again. If I give you two pens and two pens and another two pens, how many pens have you got?”
Ben: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?”
Ben: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I give you two pens and two pens and another two pens, how many pens have you got?”
Ben: “Seven!”
Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two pens are seven?”
Ben: “I’ve already got one pen right now!”

48. How many cookies

Teacher: Willy, if you have seven cookies and Billy asks you for three, how many cookies have been left with you?
Willy: (immediately responds) Seven!

49. How old is your father?

Teacher: How old is your father?
Janie: He is 6 years!
Teacher: What? How is that possible?
Janie: He became my father only when I was born!

50. I am, not I is

Teacher: Ben, use “I” for a sentence.
Ben: I is…
Teacher: (cuts in) no Ben, always say “I am” okay?
Ben: okay ma. I am the ninth letter in the English alphabet!

51. I don’t mean to scare you

The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day, he made the teacher quite surprised.
Junior: (tapped the teacher on her shoulder)
I don’t want to scare you, but my dad says if I don’t get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking!

52. I lost it fighting

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.

53. I would do anything

A female student came to a young lecturer’s office.
Student: (leans close to the lecturer, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes)
I would do any.. anything to pass this s exam!
Lecturer: (moved) anything?!
Student: Absolutely, anything!
Lecturer: (whispers) would you…study?!

54. Important me!

Teacher: Annie, name one important thing we have today that we don’t have ten years ago?
Annie: me!

55. In which state

Teacher: river Mississippi flows in which state?
Jacobs: in the liquid state!

56. Isaac Newton’s discovery

Teacher: Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered the law of gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?
Sammie: yes it is! If he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything!

57. It is not fair

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Annie: That’s not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard question!

58. Keeping the school clean

Teacher: class, give suggestions on how we can keep the school clean.
Jumbo: by remaining at home!

59. Lecture that far

Teacher: tomorrow, there will be a lecture on Pluto and Venus. Everyone must attend!
Peace: sorry sir, I don’t think I can attend.
Teacher: why not?
Peace: my parents won’t let me travel that far!

60. Lipsticks

A private school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
Principal: all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors; sir, show the girls how much effort was required to clear the mirrors.
Custodian: (He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.)
That will do it.

61. Longitude and latitude

After explaining latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes.
Teacher: suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north-latitude, and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east-longitude. Where will we be meeting?
(After a long silence)
Benson: I guess you will be eating alone!

62. Lowest mark

Bimpe: I don’t think I deserve zero on this test!
Teacher: agreed, but that’s the lowest mark I can give you!

63. Making MATHS fun

Teacher: class, what can be done to make MATHS fun?
Tina: well, by taking away all its problems!

64. Your own business

Junior was taking chocolates in class
Teacher: Junior, don’t you know that chocolate in excess is bad for your health?
Junior: my grandmother lived for 120 years.
Teacher: was that because of chocolates?
Junior: no, she always minded her business!

65. Mississippi

Teacher: Jackson, how many I’s do you use to spell Mississippi?
Jackson: none. I can spell it blindfolded.

66. My favourite flower

Teacher: James, what’s your favourite flower?
James: chrysanthemum!
Teacher: spell it?
James: (laughs) I was only joking. My favourite flower is the rose. ‘R-O-S-E’.

67. My name

Teacher: what’s your name?
Fred: Fred!
Teacher: that’s rude, you should say sir!
Fred: okay. Sir Fred!

68. My questions

Teacher: Jacob, why can’t you answer any of my questions?
Jacob: Well, if I could, there wouldn’t be much point in me being here!

69. My report card

After vacation, junior runs home to his father.
Father: Let me see your report card.
Junior: “My friend just borrowed it.
Father: why?
Junior: He wants to scare his parents.

70. Name two pronouns

Teacher: hay you, name two pronouns!
Monday: who, me?
Teacher: correct!

71. Next time

Jackson did extraordinarily well in his examination, he got 100% and therefore was presented with a gift.
Teacher: Jackson, keep up your good work. I do hope you will do the same next time?!
Jackson: Thank you, sir! I do hope you will print the question papers in my uncle’s printing shop next time?!

72. Nothing exciting

Fred came home from his first day at school.
Father: Fred, how was school today? Did anything exciting happen?
Fred: Nothing exciting happened, except that the teacher didn’t know how to spell cat so I told her.

73. Number one trouble maker

Teacher: Ruben, you are the number one trouble maker in the class!
Ruben: see, and my dad said I would never amount for anything!

74. Oil

John’s teacher is having a hard time explaining simple arithmetic to him.
Teacher: this child, you are so dull, to even answer simple arithmetic questions. Now listen up, if I give you two balls of Akara (bean cake) and I collect the two balls of Akara from you, what will you have left?
John: oil!

75. On which side?

Teacher: Tim, write 55.
Tim: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
(Tim writes 5 and stops)
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Tim: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!

76. Part of the deal

Teacher: whosoever answered this single question will be exempted from the punishment. How many stars were out last night?
James: Is that the only question?
Teacher: yes!
James: Well, 98 trillion, 248 billion, 974 million, 76 thousand, 957 stars only!
Teacher: How did you know that?
James: that’s another question. It wasn’t part of the deal!

77. Pebbles at a car

One morning, a substitute teacher was asked to stand in for another due to inevitable circumstances. A boy walks into class late.
Teacher: Where have you been?
Thomas: I was throwing pebbles at a car.
15 minutes later a girl walks in.
Teacher: where have you been?
Tina: I was throwing pebbles at a car.
2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty.
Teacher: Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car” she
Pebbles: No mam, I am Pebbles.

78. Prove the earth is spherical

Teacher: George, how can you prove that the earth is spherical?
George: I can’t. Besides, I never said I could.

79. Punishment

Jude: sir, can I be punished for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: no!
Jude: well, I didn’t do my assignment!

80. Recent discoveries

In a physics class
Teacher: class, I do hope you all come up with your own discoveries?
Class: yes!
Teacher: Tom, can we get to hear yours?
Tom: okay. Last night, I got to find out that approximately 152 trillion, 45 billion, 193 million, 546 thousand members of the milky galaxy of a countless multitude of stars were studied. About 274 million were created, and almost 13 million, 443 thousand were destroyed, if not more.
Teacher: wow! How did you come about that?
Tom: I used an improvised telescopic instrument of deception to convey this sophisticated untrue factual claim!

81. Road sign

Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school today?
Tom: I obeyed a road sign!
Teacher: what road sign?
Tom: move slowly, school ahead!

82. The sheep

Teacher: Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?
Mike: None.
Teacher: None? You don’t know your arithmetic!
Boy: Mam, you don’t know the sheep. Where one goes, they all go!

83. Sleep at night

Teacher: how can a man do without sleeping for eight days?
Kelvin: simple, he should sleep at night!

84. Smaller animals

Note: this is in Pidgin English (Nigeria)
An illiterate father was called upon to the school due to the poor performance of his son.
Father: my ‘pikin’ say you drive am ‘commot’ for school? (Meaning; my son said he was sent away from school?)
Teacher: yes sir. I asked him to spell lion and he couldn’t.
Father: ah! That one big ‘na’. You know say ‘na’ small ‘pikin’, you for tell am make ‘im’ for spell small-small animals like mosquito. (Meaning; that’s a big animal. You know he is a kid, you should have asked him to spell smaller animals like mosquitoes instead.)

85. A soldier

Teacher: Tank, what would you hope to become when you have come of age?
Tank: a soldier!
Teacher: a soldier, why?
Tank: so as to take revenge on all the strokes I have received from certain persons.

86. Someone else’s shorts

Teacher: Jacob, if you reach in your right pocket and found 10 Naira, and reach in the other and found another 10 Naira; what would you have?
Jacob: someone else’s shorts!

87. Spell banana

Teacher: (tapping a cane on his palm as he stammers) you, s..spell, baa..na..na..na..naaa..na…na!
Tina: B.A…N.A…N.A…N.A… (Burst into tears) sir, I can spell it, but I don’t know where exactly to stop.

88. Strange pair of socks

Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Ramu: Yes it’s really strange. I’ve got another pair of the same at home.

89. The biggest lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the classroom.
Teacher: Why are you arguing?
Steve: we found a thousand Naira note and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.
Teacher: You should be ashamed of yourselves, when I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.
The boys gave the one thousand Naira to the teacher.

90. The cow and grasses

Teacher: I said you should draw a cow and some grass, but you have only drawn a cow!
Jack: yes I did, probably the cow ate all the grass!

91. The Dead Sea

Teacher: Vincent, what can you say about the Dead Sea?
Vincent: I didn’t even know it was ill.

92. The decimal point

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the whiteboard and had then rubbed off the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying the number by 10
Teacher: Johnny, where is the decimal point now?
Johnny: on the eraser!

93. The last

Teacher: in which battle did Napoleon die?
Janet: the last one!

94. The lost money

Segun got to school late on Monday morning;
Teacher: Why are you late today?
Segun: a man lost his one thousand naira note at the bus stop.
Teacher: that’s nice of you. I presume you were helping him to look for the money.
Segun: no! Am I that stupid? I was standing on it since morning.

95. The more important

Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Tina: The moon.
Teacher: “Why?
Tina: The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the daytime when we don’t need it.

96. The world’s changing

Teacher: it’s clear that you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?
Daniel: Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So, I decided to wait until it settles down!

97. This is my father

Junior: (on the phone) Hello, my son has a cold and won’t be able to come to school today!
Teacher: who is this?
Junior: This is my father speaking!

98. Very full hands

Teacher: if you have three oranges and two apples on your right hand and two oranges and two apples on the other hand, what would you have?
Demi: a very full hand!

99. You don’t know my father

Teacher: Victor, if you have 5 dollars and ask your father for an extra 10 dollars, how much will you have altogether?
Victor: 5 Naira!
Teacher: wrong! You don’t know your arithmetic!
Victor: you don’t know my father!

100. Your pencil and my biscuit

In the classroom.
Junior: Jude, this isn’t fair! I shared my pencil with you yesterday, and today, you are eating your biscuit alone!
Jude: I am sorry; do you want to make use of my pencil?